MY BIGGEST FEAR


My biggest fear is being a failure. My biggest fear is that one day I'll look back on my life and wish I'd made more of it. I'm afraid that I'll wish I had made the most of being 'young', I'll blame myself for not taking enough risks, dreaming big enough or making the most of opportunities.

I have this harrowing fear that somehow I'll miss my chance. I'm afraid that I will mess it all up and the life I could have lived will just sail on by, probably while I was procrastinating or sleeping in past 9am. 

My expectation of life was pretty simple when I was younger. I believed that if you did well in school and went to university, somehow everything would all work out. You get a good degree, take a job in that field, get married to prince charming and have that cookie cutter life, white picket fence included.... sounds pretty simple right? 

Well, my reality has looked somewhat different. Firstly, for the most part, I hated my time at university. I hated my degree and I spent more time working extra hours at my part-time job than I spent actually attending lectures. It's only by God's grace that I actually have a degree at all! 

Now, 5 years past graduating, I haven't used anything I studied and feel like I will forever be paying back my student loan, all for nothing. My idea of how life was supposed go, didn't quite work out how I imagined. 

Just after my final exam was when I first experienced the feeling that I'd messed everything up. I had managed to come out of uni with a job offer in Event Management (honestly no idea how I managed that one...) which was fine but wasn't really ticking my boxes, I still felt like I wasn't making the most of my life. So decided to tackle this fear head-on and did what every millennial does in a crisis. I chucked it all in, bought a plane ticket. I went traveling, in an attempt to feel like 'I'd done life properly'. 

Outfit Details
Dress: Primark. Similar here & here
Shoes: Superga. here
Bag: eBay. here

Since then I've traveled around the world, lived in another country, got married, moved to London and then out again. I got a management job, quit said job and set up my own business. I now work from home and manage to work most days in my PJs (read more about that here)

I should be proud of what I've done, but still, I'm sat here, deathly afraid that I've messed it all up and somehow missed my chance.

I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to do life right. I'm trying to work out how to buy a house, save for a future family and how to figure out how on earth I'm going to get that cookie-cutter-white-picket-fence-life I've always dreamed of. It's exhausting.

I've recently come to realize that this kind of thinking is actually cheating me of experiencing any sort of contentment or happiness in life, at all. I'm constantly worrying about the 'what ifs' and being overly harsh on myself. At the end of the day, we're all doing our best, and none of us have it all worked out. And if someone looks like they've got it all nailed down, the chances are that they're just as stressed out as the rest of us! 


Now, It's totally okay to want that cookie cutter life, and it's okay to have dreams and goals. It's also okay to not have it all worked out. What's not okay is letting the fear of failure stop you from making the most of every day.

The more I think about it, my biggest fear shouldn't be about messing things up, it should probably be regretting all the time I've wasted worrying about these things at all. We worry so much about the destination that we forget to enjoy the journey at all. 

So, I still worry from time to time but for now, I'm trying to see life with a little more perspective, be a little kinder to myself and enjoy the journey. I'll get there one day, we all will.